Cashdan (1988) in his book Object relationship theories said that, relationship must be in balance in cost and rewards. In many relationships though, this is not the case that is why conflicts emerges. The more imbalanced relationship it is, the more effort is needed to restore the balance. This can be okay if the other party is willing to work extra harder to make sure the balance is sustained. This person will have to compromise their own emotions and needs or wants to restore the balance, which has a detrimental effect.
The question is though, for how long are you willing to go through this restoring balance business for? especially when the other party is not willing to make any variation, or they see to think that the complications were never theirs’
How do I Know that I am in a bad relationship?
There are several indicators, I have come up with the following. Your partner may indicate the following projections towards you: –
- Dependency: – They would not want you to leave them if you felt you did not want to continue with the relationship, or they would not want you to be yourself and do things you want to do. When you chose to ignore them, they will throw tantrums to have their way.
- Sex: – If your partner demands sex over relationship is a sign you are not in a good relationship. They may even threaten you if you do not offer them sex, they will end the relationship, no sex no relationship.
- Power: – Your partner will Induce weakness on you so that he/she feel stronger, clever, or intelligent than you. He/she always put you down by the way they talk to you. If they are bread winner, they will even threaten to get rid of you. Their sole purpose is that you submit to their fear.
- Ingratiation: – The partner who makes you feel that they always need to be thanked or praised for. They usually expect this to happen because they are convinced, they are the one who have done everything in the house or in the relationship etc. even if they have not done anything. They are convinced that, if was not for them, you would not make it in life, or no one will ever want you because they are doing you a favour to be with you.
What to do if you find yourself in a bad relationship.
Well, there are many ways to help yourself out of a bad relationship, the following are just some of them.
Individual development: – Learn to know who you are as a person independent of your partner.
Self-efficiency: –When you know who you are and you can make yourself happy, it is easy to love someone else well and identify their flaws and without being a prisoner of a bad relationship
Work your own issues: – Most of time we think it is the other Pearson’s fault that we are in this mess. But if you shift the finger and point it back at you, you will be amazed of your discovery
Focus on yourself and your emotions: –Our emotions should be a guide to what our body are saying. If we ignore them, we will end up wearing bigger mess than anticipated beforehand. You are the only one who can harness your emotions and make you happy. Blaming your partner for your anger issues is the sign of immaturity.
Talk to someone who can help you come up higher to face your demons.
You could be the victim, rescuer or the persecutor in the relationship either ways, you may need to talk to someone today…