Dear younger self is a testimony of a young woman who has managed to free herself from the pull which made her find love, attention, and sense of worth from young men or boys.
I know you see boys differently and always have because you didn’t have a father figure in your life. I know you needed and craved approval and attention from boys because you never got it from your dad. I am sorry that he was never there for you when you were younger, sadly I cannot change that, but we can change how we deal with it. You may not care for or want a relationship with your dad but deep down there has been a hole, whether you wanted it to be there or not, that needed filling. The only way you felt you could fill this was finding a substitute ‘male’ to give you that acceptance that your dad never gave you, and maybe that’s why you’re boy-crazy or always having these crushes, but I want you to know that you don’t need a boy to make you feel wanted. And you definitely don’t need a boy to want to have sex with you in order to make you feel wanted. Maybe your dad did and does love you, even though it never seemed like it. Either way, I apologise that you never felt loved by him and that it made you feel abnormal as everyone is supposed to have a primary male-figure in their life, and that it seems like everyone else has one except for you… but giving in to the desire of craving attention from other boys because of this won’t lead you to anywhere good; you may end up being ‘easy’ or ‘promiscuous’ and lose your respect.
Sex doesn’t equal love and acceptance; in fact, it means the opposite. I know you find that hard to believe because intimacy is your love language however it’s true, and if all a guy wants to do is sleep with you then he doesn’t want you and doesn’t respect you. He won’t give you the love you wanted from your dad and he definitely won’t fill in the gap you have from your childhood. It will only cause more damage and you will never be satisfied. Do you know what guy would show that he wants you and accepts you? The guy who doesn’t want to just sleep with you but is more interested in you as a person, falling in love with who you are including all of your flaws. I know you feel like you haven’t found that yet. It becomes exhausting and painful that the empty gap deep down still hasn’t been filled after all these years, and that rejection has left you feeling unwanted over and over again but don’t worry. That is all just God trying to protect you, the devil will lie to you so that you don’t see that but it’s true. It’s okay, you will meet someone who will fill in that gap. From God. And you won’t crave the attention and acceptance of other boys anymore.
You are wanted, think about all the boys that have asked you out? And you are attractive and loved by many people. You’re very valuable and many girls wish they had kept the things you have and still be pure like you are. So don’t lower your standards for anybody, any guy would be extremely lucky to have you. Whenever a boy seems like he is rejecting you, just know it isn’t rejection, just God protecting you once again. And be grateful for that.
Again, I’m sorry that your dad never gave you the acceptance and approval you needed; many other girls are in the same boat as you. Like I said you can’t change the past, but don’t let this unfortunate circumstance negatively affect the way you view yourself and other boys.
Love, Older Self.